This doesn't rate as anything more than an nth time
I'm sitting at a local games group tonight, typing this, but I'm not concerned about someone looking over my shoulder, or nudging me and distracting me from my ache to write. The reason for that is I'm sitting all by my lonesome. I found the energy and time to come out tonight... but then I got here and... I don't quite know what happened.
It's not like I'm opposed to socializing or playing or anything.
I'm just suddenly not feeling it right now.
The group on Mondays tends to be quieter than the Wednesday one, two different groups, two different locations, few of the same people.
When I walked in today, it was on time (which is a rarity for me, but not a requisite--nobody cares if you arrive late or leave early), and neither of the two tables of people standing up games looked appealing for me. So I settled into an empty table, pulled out my laptop, and started Not Playing.
And now that I'm here, I can't seem to find the momentum to get up and walk the room again. There's three tables now, one still running from the beginning, one that started late and is still going, and one packing up.
[Why do I suddenly feel like I'm almost at the edge of tears?]
This is a first for this group. Before tonight, I'd not had the issue of joining a table or a game.
Almost two decades ago, I had graduated from the local community college. I was done. Free. And with no energy to continue my schooling, I went to work. But my friends were still there, and so, for the college's monthly gaming groups, I would still drive out to hang when I had the time.
Until I was told I couldn't drop in anymore.
The members of the group were expected to pay dues, which sounds fair enough. Out of those dues they received pizza dinner every meeting and free admission to any competitions that they hosted. I didn't eat the food or participate in the competitions, but the student chair told me I couldn't come anymore because I didn't pay dues. Even though I didn't do anything to consume the dues paid by others. He didn't care.
I would be banned.
[Maybe those memories are why.]
Leave a comment or continue reading: other Monday posts, join my mental health journey, or delve into my memories.
