I'm tired of starting over
I was raised to believe that the way to success is hard work and determination. Keep my nose to the grindstone, make myself an invaluable member of the team, do the dirty work and my diligence will be rewarded.
My father taught this best, spending the last forty-two years of his working life at the same company.
Whereas I...
I'd been laid off three times before my twenty-fifth birthday.
First Book Warehouse's bankruptcy filing in 2007, then Totes Isotoner's restructuring and closure of my store a couple of years later, followed by the shuttering of Waldenbooks in 2011.
Up until 2019, I'd never stayed at a single employer more than three years, and even still, the preaching continued: hard work and determination, and you will succeed. Even worse, the assurance of starting at the bottom and working my way up was the best route to success; everywhere I've been, I've started at the bottom. Red Woof Inn, Waubonsee, Book Warehouse, Totes, Waldenbooks, Heartland, InTheSwim, Edible Arrangements, Walmart, RR Donnelly, Lucky Dog, Pampered Chef...
I though Insight was going to be different. It felt different, at the start.
...And then my 90-day temp-to-hire position ran for 23 months.
But I kept my head down, I didn't make waves in my half-forgotten department where my boss wasn't even in the same building and couldn't remember my name (even after writing it on his office whiteboard in big bold letters). I made myself invaluable. I even started taking classes again, with an eye to move upwards... until conversations with my boss started devolving into "you're too valuable to promote".
Five years later, they showed me exactly how invaluable they really thought of me.
My fourth lay-off, one month after my thirty-seventh birthday.
The job that followed turned into a crapshoot after a promotion.
Have you ever been in the position where you're struggling with something at work, and your boss says something like "well, if you'd only asked for help..."?
I have no qualms about asking for help.
I do have qualms about having my request denied despite repeatedly demonstrating that I can't complete all my tasks without the help.
That was Diehl.
Hell, they saw enough promise in me to give me a promotion while I was still in the temp portion of the temp-to-hire journey. At least, that's how they worded it. Some small part of my brain wonders if they were just looking for a patsy, something that certain coworkers at Insight had done to trick me into doing work far outside the scope of my job (which I learned about while I was still working there, albeit a couple years later), and once I'd started doing it, was henceforth obligated to continue doing it (and no, I didn't receive any compensation for it).
And now I'm starting over again.
I'm almost forty and I'm tired.
I'm tired of starting over.
I'm tired of repeatedly getting pushed off the fucking ladder.
I'm tired of hearing that stupid preaching, which I've been listening to for so long that it plays on in my head without prompting from anyone else.
Hard work and determination don't lead to success.
That's my life's lesson.
Luck leads to success.
Twisted morals lead to success.
Finding patsies to take the fall leads to success.
Laying off the people on the bottom of the ladder who weren't responsible for any of the bad things that happened to your company...
The ladder is a mirage, an afterimage of days gone by, ne'er to return.
I really wish I could turn off my brain.
